Ever since accidentally stumbling upon this video last night, this song has been stuck in my head. It's called "Your Horoscopes For Today" by Weird Al Yankovic

Aquarius-

There's travel in your future when your tonuge freezes to the back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces-

Try to avoid any Virgos and Leos with the Ebola virus

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries-

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that fourty pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus-

You will never find true happiness, what are you going to do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

Gemini-

Your birthday party will once again be ruined by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will be in trouble when your fiance hurls a javeline through your chest

Cancer-

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo-

Now is not a good time to copy a picture of your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick

Virgo-

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intellegent- except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconcivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the realtive position of the planets and the stars cound have a special deep significance or meaning that applies exclusively to you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are based on solid, scientfic documented evidence so you would have to be some kind of moron to not realize that ever single one of them is absolutely true--Where was I?

Libra-
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when you appendix bursts next week

Scorpio-
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius-
Al your friends are laughing at you behind your back...kill them
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capircorn-
The stars say you're a wonderful and exciting person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today