I'm not afraid to fall; it means I've climbed up high.

http://www.onemanga.com/Tsubasa_Reservoir_Chronicles/1/04/

I've always liked Tsubasa Chronicles, but this picture has never spoken to me so much before as it does now.

We see each other. We're close enough to touch, but we can't. We reach out for each other, but the touch is stopped by the unbreakable glass. Our hands press against the clear wall, so close to each other and miles apart at the same time. It looks as if we're holding each other, for a second, but we're not. There's no warmth: just the chill of the smooth wall.

I can't say if I'm Syaoren or Sakura in this picture: frankly, I feel like both.

I'm not trying to be a mopey emo, but this is something that I'm really worried about. It's something that I've always done, and I don't even know why. It never mattered much to me before, mostly because I didn't realize I was doing it. Now that I know, I realize I have to change.

There is a glass wall around me, too. Ask me a question, and I will answer. Ask me a question about myself, and I'll change the subject. It's not as if I don't like talking about myself...I'm just as self-obsessed as the next guy, after all. The problem is I can't.

I feel things very deeply. I mourn, I laugh, I get so angry I want to destroy the world. Anyone who sees me would know this. But that's all you'd ever see.

I can't show what I feel. I feel like I can't communicate honestly to anyone. I'm more than happy to discuss all your problems with you, but the instant you ask about mine, I clam up. It's not that I don't want to talk about them, either.

It's that I can't.

I don't know how I got to be like this, but I feel so fucked up. I know there's something wrong with me, and posting this in some blog is the only way I can share it with anyone. My voice won't work, no matter how much I try.

I hate this. I hate this so much, being unable to share anything with anyone else. And it's getting to be the biggest problem I've had in my life so far.

My friend wrote this poem awhile ago, and I feel bad about using it here, but it just says everything I just wrote here so perfectly:

Your eyes pierce into me
Trying to read my soul.
I push you away, I try to run
But I can't escape your hold
You long to see inside me
What I hide so deep within.
But my shattered heart can't just come out
And I can't let you in.
Patient, you wait for me
And try to scale my protecting walls.
Please, stop this hopeless attempt to climb
Before one of us falls.
-Liza Pichette

(Link to poem: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1963040/1/Before_one_of_us_falls)

There is someone trying to scale my protecting walls...but I'm afraid that I won't be the one that falls. And I want to. God, do I want to.

Good news: My mom somehow got a Wii!

Bad news: We only have Wii Sports for it.

Good news: I saw Brawl in Target the other day.

Bad news: I am a poor starving college student.

Good news: I figured out how to play Gamecube games on the Wii.

Bad news: I can't find and GC controllers.

Good news: I have a Game Boy Color, the '89 version of Mario Brothers and a Jellyfish CD to rock out to.

 

 

Those who know me will also know that I hate emo kids with an undying passion. I've never much told anyone why, other than the fact that their poetry sucks. I don't want this to become a rant about these livejournal whiners, but let me just say this.

 

What do they have to be so depressed about?

 

I have fought with depression, suicide, humiliation, loneliness, uncontrollable anger. Last year I became a bitter old woman. As Mark Twain once said, "I have been through many terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."

 

Well, look at me now. I feel alive again, and I've never been happier in my life. I feel like after so much confusion, I found a place where I belong. Just thinking about my life before AU makes me twitch with revulsion and throw up a little bit inside my mouth. But that's not my point. Oh, goodness, I'm getting off track.

 

After third grade, my life began to swing downward into a pool of suckiness. Yes, life can suck even when you're nine years old. My Aunt Linda was like another mother to my sister and me, but she died when I was eleven. I hated life, the world, everything. I haven't even been able to talk about her until now, seven years later. I still cry a little when I do.

 

In junior high, all my friends and I were brutally bullied every day. In high school, I was ignored by almost everyone around me to the point of isolation.

 

Here's the point I'm trying to make. Conditions were perfect for me to sulk in my room, write bad poetry and just feel sorry for myself. No, I wasn't always happy. But you know what? I always tried to be. Sometimes, I even was. See for example: junior year of high school...aside from chem, was actually not bad. =p

 

I still throw myself pity parties from time to time, there are still times I refuse to smile, but I'm working on it.

 

The key word of the above sentance: refuse.

 

Things have become clearer now. I'm finally realizing things that I have always known.

 

Happiness is a choice. Even when things look their worst, you can still choose. It's all right to cry, it's all right to be sad or angry or hurting. It's part of being human. Another part of it is choosing your actions. It's not always easy, it's sometimes impossible, but you have to try. You are the only one responsible for your happiness. Laugh or cry, it's your choice.

Hey, God?

 

FUCK YOU

A guessing game time for music lovers!
(Guess the song titles. Artists too if you feel so inclined! Show me how brilliant you are. Or
rather, what good taste in music you have.)"

Step 1: Put your iTunes or equivalent on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Bold out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!

1. Hirogaru yami no naka kawashiiatta kakumei no chigiri

2. My friends from high school married their high school boyfriends

3. All right, partner. Keep on rollin' baby. You know what time it is.

4. All the small things

5. Do I stress you out?

6. Come stop your crying, it will be all right

7. Heart don't fail me now

8. I've drunk an ocean

9. In diapers, report cards, in spoked wheels and speeding tickets

10. Woaah Poopie don't worry

11. There lived a certain man in Russia long ago

12. 1, 2, 3 turn your head and come with me

13. All around the country, coast to coast

14. My gift is my song

15. Why did you steal the matches from the one-room motel?

16. Well the street lights shine

17. Well I found a bar where I can drink all night

18. In you and I there's a new land

19. Sick and tired of this world

20. Why you wanna tell me how to live my life?

21. It took me five bars, some forty lisence plates

22. I should tell you I'm disaster

23. An old man turned 98

24. Sail away where no ball and chain can keep us from the rorain' waves

25. When you try your best but you don't succeed.

 

On your marks, get set, go!

Yes, I do believe so. If you run track for six years and join the SCA, you must really like pain. If that doesn't qualify me, this will.

 

I must really hate myself.

 

And at the same time, I've never been so happy in my life.

 

One last thought:

 

"That's not writing, that's typing."

-Capote

 

Perhaps...but....

 

"We're going on an adventure Charlie!"

Stolen (lovingly) from God-knows-what.

 

1. What is the last alcoholic beverage you drank?
Wine at a Yom Kippur dinner

2. Do you follow college football?
Nein

3. How many miles does your car have on it?
I'll tell you when I start driving.

4. Who was the last person to send you a text message and what was it about?
My sister, about this weekend.

5. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
Um....Channing's going away party, me thinks. August.

6. Are you happy?

=D

7. Where was the last place you went shopping?
Either Kinfolk or Wal-Mart. Today, the dollar store. Tomorrow, THE WORLD!

8. How do you feel about your hair?
Could be better

9. Where do you work?
University of Cardboardia Boxia

10. Last thing you ate?
Vitamin C drop

11. Do you wish you were someplace else right now?
No.

12. Last time you smoked a cigarette?
I only smoke if my hair's on fire.

13. Do you have any expensive jewelry?
Yea, most of it I don't have with me

14. AIM or MSN?
AIM

15. what classes are you taking now?
Writing II, Math for the Liberal Arts, Introduction to Psychology and Japanese I

16. How many hours on average do you work a week:
If by work you mean homework, then...too many. -_-

17. Who do you like right now?
I dunno. My cat's pretty cool. I like my kitty. Oh and my boyfriend. I like him a lot.

18. Favorite NFL team?
Um...que?

19. Do you watch the Olympics?
Occasionally, every couple of years. (Prefer summer)

20. What restaurant did you go to recently?
The Jet

21.Who was the last person to call you?
Alex

22. Whats your sign?
Yield to oncoming traffic 

23. Do you have a favorite number?
Ichi ni san yon go ryoko nana hachi kyu ju! They're all fun to say. ^_^

24. Last time you did volunteer work or made any donation?
I don't remember...I'm a terrible person!

25. What do you spend the majority of your money on?
Medieval club supplies

26. Where does most of your family live?
NY

27. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
One great older sis

29. Ever been called a bitch?
Hell, I call myself a bitch!

30. Got any guilty pleasures?
Raw cookie dough.

31. Do you drink beer?
No

32. Have you ever experienced true love?

No, I haven't found my Westley yet.

33. Did you ever collect Beanie Babies?
I used to, yeah.

34. Ever ordered anything online?

Yes, mostly school books or anime!

35. Myspace or Facebook?
Facebook

36. Do you have T-Mobile?
No.

37. What is your favorite subject?
Psych or Japanese

38. Do you sometimes wish you were someone else?
Sometimes

39. Do you usually fall for the "bad boys or slutty girls"?
Feels pretty good to be bad

40. Were you an outcast in high school?
yes, but by choice

41. Last time you saw your parents?
The Town Pants Concert, september.

42. Do you have any talents?
^_~ That's a secret

43. Ever been in a wedding?
I think so, but i don't remember it.

44. Do you have any children?
Nope

45. Last movie you watched?
Galaxy Quest...ah, classic.

46. Are you missing anyone at the moment?
My sis!

47. Did you take a nap today?
No

48. What was your high school's mascot?
Crusaders.

49. Ever been on a cruise?
Not yet

50. Favorite vacation spot? 
Someplace warm. 

52. Do you have any wealthy friends?
Bill Gates!

53. Ever met anyone famous before? 
Yup, Hilary Clinton (running for senate)

54. Favorite actor?
Cary Elwes

55. Favorite actress? 
*shrug* Iunno 

56. Are you multi-tasking right now?
Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.

57. Could you handle being in the military?
Only if it's the army of Hartstone!

58. Are you hungry or thirsty?

neither

59. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Wendy's

61. What is your average cell phone bill? 
42

62. Do you own a camera phone?
Of course.

63. Ever had to take a sobriety test? 
Not yet

64. Do you believe in Karma?
Yes.

65. Can you speak any other languages?
Yo tengo el perro en mis pantalones!

66. Last time you went to the gym or worked out?
um

67. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
At AU? 4.

68. Do you have a photo hosting site that you use?
no

69. Last place you drove your car?
I don't even remember the last time I drove!

70. What is your college mascot?
Saxons!!

71. Ever been to Las Vegas?
I was a headliner!

73. Have you ever bought condoms?

No, but I've stolen some when they were being given away free

75. What do you think is your best feature?
*shrug*

76. Have you ever been gambling? 
Yes ^^ 

77. How old are your parents?
late 40s/50s.

78. When is the last time you updated your blog? 
Uh...scroll down and check. 

79. Do you have your wisdom teeth?
No.

80. Favorite place to be?
Armoring.

81. Have you been to New York City?
Yes, and I hated it 

82. Favorite sit down restaurant?
Olive Garden, The Jet

83. Ever been to Disney? 
Twice, I think 

84. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? 
If by "cartoon" you mean "anime"..... 

85. Last thing you cooked?
Calzones

86. How is the weather today?
Splendid, thanks for asking

87. Do you email?

Yes

88. Last letter/piece of mail you received besides junk or a bill?
A calculator

89. Favorite store?

In Alfred, Kinfolk. At home, Walden Books

 

90. Are you dating someone right now?
Yup

91. Last voicemail you received?
Alex D.

92. Do you drunk dial? 
Hopefully not =p 

93. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? 
Broke it 

94. What is the best city in the state that you have lived in? 
Alfred NY!! 

95. Favorite band? 
The Town Pants! 

96. Last time you were sick?
Dunno...I'm trying to avoid that!

97. Are you bored right now?
No...procrastinating!

98. Last concert you went to?
Roy Rogers band, Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bently. Or TTP.

99. What are your plans for tomorrow?
Class.

100. Where do you think you will be at in 5 years from now?
Five years older than I am now, or else dead.

I just recently recieved this:

 

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church
outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll
standings.

His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration. We'll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint.

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is
desperate for funding - I'll do it."

Bush showed up for the sermon and the Bishop began "I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President, who is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel.

He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and
manipulate the American people.

"He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil
and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth.

"He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression.

"He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome.

"The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars, gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford, and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.

"He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known.

"But compared to Dick Cheney, George W. Bush is a saint."

Hooray! It's unofficial right now, but my name will most likely be Órlaith inghean Amlaib. I have to check on the "inghean" to make sure it's period. The next step is to design some armor, drink some mead, and go to Pennsic!

 

For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about: http://www.sca.org

 

I want a sword.

Just close your itunes, open it again and don't click anything. Just press shuffle then play, and let itunes decides you life.
Then, fillin the songs in order according to these categories...

Opening credits:
Waking up:
First date:
Falling in love:
Love scene:
Fight scene:
Breaking up:
Getting back together:
Life's okay:
Mental breakdown:
Driving:
Flashback:
Partying:
Long night alone:
Death scene:

Here's mine:

Opening Credits:  "Rum Runner" -The Town Pants

Waking up: "Kaze no Machi e" -Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles

First Date: "Butterfly" from DDR

Falling in Love: "We are the Champions" -Queen

Love Scene: "Uptown Girl"-Billy Joel

Fight Scene: "Ugly Baby" -Stephen Lynch

Breaking Up: "Crazy ex-girlfriend" -Miranda Lambert (how appropriate!)

Getting Back Together: "I Am" -Bon Jovi

Life's Okay: "Gin & Milk"-The Town Pants

Mental Breakdown: "Unidentified Friend" -The Town Pants

Driving: "The More You Ruv Someone" -Avenue Q

Flashback: "As Long As You're Mine" -Wicked

Partying: "Imperfection" -Saving Jane

Long Night Alone: "A Man For All Seasons" -Robbie Williams, from the Johnny English soundtrack

Death Scene: "No Tomorrow" -Orson

Closing Credits: "Story of my Life" -Bon Jovi

 

Heh, the first time I tried that I got "March of Witch Hunters" from Wicked. Fun, fun stuff.